As the calendar page heads towards August, a simple glance at the weather should remind you (if you’re in the northern hemisphere) that we are in the dog days of summer, and if you haven’t rewarded yourself with a nice summer vacation, you only have sixty days left to indulge.
With the economy as it is, despite flights and hotel room prices having fallen slightly, the average paycheck has not been able to keep up enough to do real-world indulgence. The trip to Walt Disney World may have turned into the trip to the living room to put on the Disney Channel. Taking in a ball game may have transformed from nine innings and hot dogs at Dodger Stadium to nine minutes in the shade playing marbles with Costco hot dogs. Whatever happened to the lavish vacations we earned with our well-deserved vacation days?
Fortunately, there’s always the realm of video games. We may not be able to afford the eleganza of travel anymore, but as long as we can clear that initial $70 hurdle, our favourite video games can open up a fictional setting we could definitely get lost in.
Read More: The Not So Great Eight – 8 Video Game Presidents Who Are Debatably Just the Worst
Well, travellers, pack your sunscreen, your swimsuit, and your controllers, and get to your nearby airport about five hours early, because Last Word in Gaming Travel Company have eight fabulous destinations in store for you… with just a few things to watch out for on your travels.
Dondoko Island (Like a Dragon: Infinite Wealth)
An Island Resort That Truly Caters to Your Every Desire
Hawai’i is truly one of the most beautiful places on earth, with sandy beaches, powerful volcanoes, a rich history, and most importantly, loco moco and spam musubi. But if these days there’s simply just too many Sickos in weird masks and tiny speedos for your liking, why not check out Dondoko Island? Here, the amenities are specifically catered to you… because you’re literally building it yourself!
Meet resort proprietor Ichiban Kasuga and build this resort getaway to be a bustling day-cation or your own private hideaway. From the gift shop offerings to the decor to even the Sujimon you meet, even down to the island itself, it’ll be the perfect vacation, because it will be your perfect vacation.
[Please be advised Last Word in Gaming Travel cannot guarantee vacationers won’t be attacked by Washbucklers. We can assert, however, with relative certainty, they will not be wearing weird masks and tiny speedos.]
Vice City (Grand Theft Auto: Vice City)
Fruity Drinks, Latin Pop, and No Socks Allowed
Hope you dry cleaned your favorite white blazer, because it’s time to feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger, as you head for the white, sandy beaches (and white, Scarface mountains) of Vice City! Get on the dance floor under the sizzling summer sun and wonder why it ever had to stop being the ‘80s anyway? Find your vibe at Vinyl Countdown, race to inebriation at the Pole Position Bar, and get your ass on the dance floor at the Malibu Club. The city is yours for the taking!
[Please be advised Last Word in Gaming Travel does not recommend including drugs in the “taking” part. That’s not sugar or flour, and there’s no cake for miles.]
New Donk City (Super Mario Odyssey)
High Jumps and a Bigger City
If you’re a traveller who only wants the biggest, best, and most lavish, look no further than New Donk City. Here, in the City that Never Leaps, you can shop at the original Crazy Cap for all your headwear needs, check out a music festival, or get into the latest craze – Remote Control cars! When you’re in the Big Banana, you’ll practically slip over all the Power Moons and gold coins littered everywhere. And this is no soulless city – make a point to meet the Mayor, Pauline! You might even get a story and a song out of it. And don’t mind the graffiti… it’s “urban art!”
[Please be advised Last Word in Gaming Travel does not recommend dwelling too long on the history and the events that gave New Donk City its name… or the even darker “Donk Jr.” days.]
Appalachia (Fallout 76)
Painting with All the Colors of the Bomb
For those who want to give up all the trappings of the big city rat race, maybe West Virginia’s Appalachia region is the change of pace you’ve been looking for. Oh, but not the Ash Heap. Oh, and not the northern Toxic Valley area. And definitely not the perma-storm found in Skyline Valley. That’s where the murder turkeys live.
But if you stay in the Forest region, around the area where your Vault Dweller emerges from Vault 76, it’s absolutely picturesque! Greens and yellows dot the beautiful landscape, and crystal-clear yet highly-radioactive lakes enchant the eye, like a Thomas Kinkade painting, except with more super mutants. You’ll find friendly folk always willing to chat a spell (if you happen to stumble into Gilman Lumber Mill specifically and find the Responders) and find several great sites for C.A.M.P.ing! Let the song of nature whisk your cares away in Appalachia!
[Please be advised Last Word in Gaming Travel does not encourage feeding wild animals, like giving Fancy Lads Snack Cakes to Radstags… or yourself to Deathclaws.]
New Bordeaux (Mafia III)
Laissez les bons temps soient racialement divisés!
If just the thought of Appalachia makes you itch from head to toe, then let the good times roll in the fabulous nightlife of New Bordeaux! From the smoothest of smooth jazz, to the spicy sweet heat of the jambalaya, visitors can let it all hang out (that is, as long as you’re white). Take a swampboat trip on the Bayou, but watch out for them ol’ snappin’ gators! From the deep and rich history and DEFINITELY NOT THE SLAVERY to the mystery of the voodoo they do so well, it truly can be a Fat Tuesday… even on a Thursday!
[Please be advised Last Word in Gaming Travel does not encourage being black, Hispanic, Asian, or basically anything non-white in an incredibly racist area in the 1970s,]
Fortune City (Dead Rising II)
Bright Light City’s Gonna Eat My Brains
Do you love all the gambling and debauchery that places like Vice City and New Bordeaux offer but think, “Gosh, there’s just too many gosh darn morals in these cities!” Well, hold on, because we saved you a chip and a chair in the place where sin (and the undead) are very very in… Fortune City! Find your lucky hot seat and press your luck, live the wild nightlife, or even join the live studio audience of the hit game show, “Terror is Reality!” (Tickets upon availability.) Sit down for one of Fortune City’s high-class dining experiences, but don’t become one yourself! So pack that Zombrex, because remember, casinos don’t like windows OR clocks… and you don’t want to be caught empty-handed when your dose comes due!
[Please be advised Last Word in Gaming Travel encourages travelers to gamble responsibly. And to drink responsibly. And to double-tap zombies responsibly.]
Sapienza (Hitman [2016])
When the Moon Hits Your Eye Like a Big Pizza Pie, That’s 47
For those that want to trade the fast livin’ (or unlivin’) of Fortune City in for something a little classier, may we suggest Sapienza, off the coast of Italy? Sapienza has everything you need with none of the hustle and bustle you don’t. Sip a cappuccino at a sidewalk cafe, or listen to best-selling authors at notable book readings. With the quaint feel of a charming village paired with some of the most luscious beachscapes in the world, is it any wonder that everyone from congressmen to film directors to even princes want to soak up the sweet sun in Sapienza? And don’t you DARE think about leaving without trying some of their world-famous gelato!
[Please be advised Last Word in Gaming Travel is not responsible for anything an elite hitman may do or cause, which includes but is not limited to: poisoned cocktails, falling runway lights, people finding themselves mysteriously in wood chippers, exploding rubber ducks, and clowns doing… clown things.]
Coralcola Island (Startropics)
On an island on the NES…
You want to take it all the way down? Really live that simple, easy living life? You need a break on Coralcola Island. The opening island to the NES classic StarTropics has literally everything you need for that laid-back island life: a hut, some ground… and that’s about it. Palm trees. A chief that gives you a yo-yo. Catch up on sleep while you… practice your yo-yo skills, I guess. But for 8-bit, it’s a damn sight.
[Please be advised Last Word in Gaming Travel warns travellers to Coralcola Island to take caution, because the island life there really is that simple, humanity is a blight on society, and you may never want to go back.]
